April Fools Edition 2016

Special April 1 Edition

National News

Reality TV
The producers of Survivor, The Bachelor, and The Bachelorette have sued the producers of the 2016 Presidential nomination process for copyright violation.

State News

Follow the Money
Having burned through its natural resources, Oregon's state economy has turned to craft beer, wine, and state-controlled gambling. Encouraged by the early flood of revenue from marijuana sales, the legislature is considering legalizing heroin and methamphetamine. "This is just the start," said Rep. Rudy "Bad Boy" Bambino. "We also think there's a big national market for assisted suicide spas."

PERS Reform
In an effort to reduce pension payouts, the PERS Board has instituted a program to introduce new retirees to the sports of base jumping, free diving, X-games, and NASCAR racing.

Regional News

Running it Like a Business
The League of Opinionated and Critical Obstructionists (LOCO) has pressured the City of Portland into privatizing their water utility. The buyer, telephone monopoly LastCenturyLink, has surprised ratepayers by increasing water bills by ten percent per month. "Our market research indicates people are willing to pay twenty times as much to have water," said LastCenturyLink CEO Princeton Rockefeller in a letter to shareholders. "When we reach that level, the system will be profitable. And I mean, really profitable."

Local News

Advances in ESP
As part of its Lean Oswego program, the Police Department will no longer respond to false alarms.

Time Machine
Lake Oswego Neighbors Against Change has filed an initiative petition that would require all development in Lake Oswego to revert to the way it was in 1950.

Leaves of Grass
The Tree Committee, which has renamed itself as the Woody Plant Committee, is recommending that a Type II permit be required for trimming or removing shrubs and certain ornamental grasses. The permit would be denied if the activity affected the aesthetic purity of the neighborhood, as determined by the Neighborhood Association Chair.

News in Pictures

In its effort to “Make Lake Oswego Great Again” the Lake Corp has begun construction on a fence…

 

The City has revised its logo. The lake has been replaced as shown

The City Council goal to streamline the development code is going well, as shown above

In an effort to increase efficiency while keeping costs low, a staff innovation team has decided to combine recycling, sustainability and broadband/fiber goals in what they’re calling the “Digital Internet and Recycling Technology, Containing High End-user Active Participation” or DIRTCHEAP™. One unnamed team member was overheard saying “We’ve got a bunch of cans in the lunch room and I’ll bet we can get some leftover wire from the Wizer’s site.”