Special April 1 Edition

Local News
Developer Jerry Abel has announced plans for a new strip mall to be built at an undisclosed location. When asked if it would be consistent with village character, he replied, "Sure, I'm going to name it some kind of village; I'm leaning toward Swampview Village."

Parks Director M.J. Chong said there is no truth to the rumor that recreational marijuana will be grown at Luscher Farm as a source of revenue to the parks department.

The Knickers Dune Neighborhood Association is working on an amendment to the city's development code that would require use of a single house plan for any new infill development. The three members of the board are meeting next Wednesday to choose the paint color and to decide whether the shelves in the hall closet should be poplar or melamine.

In related news, the Second Subtraction Neighborhood Association recently mailed a survey to residents asking for opinions on a variety of Neighborhood Association issues and concerns, including elephants at the Oregon Zoo and the US military presence in Syria.

The Historical Society has mounted a campaign to preserve an old sandwich (circa 2008) that was left in the refrigerator of the employee lunch room.

The school board took testimony for three hours from angry parents, complaining their daughters didn't get enough playing time on the basketball team. One of the board members commented, "Seems we should instead be spending our time talking about educating our children." "What does that have to do with school?" parent Jock Stropp demanded.

Region
On Monday, I-205 was once again turned into a parking lot, extending from Oregon City to the Glen Jackson Bridge. The cause this time was a four-hour closure of all northbound lanes as emergency responders attempted to resuscitate a bug on a windshield.

State
A growing number of of bills have been introduced in the 2015 legislative session to impose a variety of land use "fixes" on local governments. LCDC Chair Dick Tator commented in a committee hearing, "We should just cut to the chase and make all local land use decisions in Salem."

Governor Luke E. Mee has proposed a bill that would include friends with benefits as members of households for the purpose of state ethics rules. The Senate Committee on Manners held a spirited and sometimes salacious debate on the definition of "benefits."

Nation

In response to the spiraling cost of higher education, Congresswoman Patty Padiddle has introduced a bill allowing student debt to be excused in exchange for donation of certain body parts for scientific research.


World
As a gesture to end the conflict in the Ukraine, Russian President Vladimir Putin  has challenged German Chancellor Angela Merkel to an arm wrestling competition (best two out of three). Suspiciously, sales of black market steroids in Russia spiked after the announcement.