Special April 1 Edition

NEWS
The Katniss Everdeen Group, developers of Block 137, have abandoned plans to build a combined retail and housing project. They have instead secured tenants for the existing building. Proposed retail uses include a medical marijuana outlet mall ("biggest on the West Coast!"), the Lake Oswego Head Shoppe, tattoo parlors, a Piercing Spa, and exotic dancing. "No density, no dogs," said developer Kat Celery.

Not taking "no" for an answer, the Free Oswego Lake action coalition plans to airlift ski boats onto the lake this summer using Chinook helicopters. In response, the Lake Corp has put in an order for a surplus Dolphin-class submarine equipped with 650mm torpedos from the Israeli Navy.

The Dark Forest Neighborhood Association has nominated three vine maples along the fence of the Dark Forest School as Heritage Trees. "William Stafford's dog piddled on them," according to the nomination form.

City Manager Spot Lozenges urges all city staff to honor Earth Day (April 22) by bringing a worm to work.

REGION
Emboldened by Vladimir Putin, the Molalla Prairie Hamlet has annexed the south part of Oregon City and all of Molalla. "You has property rights too, ya know," said Commissioner Gassie Jones in a note of congratulations.

STATE
State legislators have hit upon a new formula to guarantee their reelection: first, create a pile of bad laws that mandate, limit, and preempt local government. Then, when those laws prove to be unworkable, emerge as heroes by superseding those laws by legislative fiat. "It really worked out well with the land use Grand Bargain," exulted Sen. Orem Bukshot (D-Toadleg).  House leaders noted that future targets include local property taxation, employee relations, public pensions, bids and contracting laws, and records and open meetings laws. "There is almost no limit to the bad laws we can supersede," said Rep. Margaret Beekeep (R-Piglick).

NATION
Foreign policy matters have distracted President Obama from his primary interest of "focusing on the economy." M. Friedman of the Chicago School of Economics noted, "Just as well; do we really want to trust our economy to the same outfit that gave us the TSA?"