Special April 1 Edition

Local News

The selection committee has already announced its choice for the 2019 Lake Oswego Reads event: the illustrated guide for assembling an Ikea coffee table. "It's an excellent choice, since the material lends itself to so many interpretations," said committee chair Paul Cracker.




Reclaimed land! Influenced by prior work in Holland, workers are finishing the Wizer’s Block development with the last piece in the plan, Lakewood parking. The City Attorney's Office is awaiting a ruling on public access to the site.

BEFORE

AFTER

Regional News
The City of Portland's "Vision Zero" program aims to completely

eliminate pedestrian deaths and serious injuries. In partnership with Metro, the city will achieve the goal by allowing traffic congestion to reach the point that the average vehicular speed is zero. "Research has found the stationary cars pose much less risk to pedestrians," said PBOT spokesperson Ima Buss. "Our concern at that point will be bicyclists running into the parked cars."

National News

In 2017, the entertainment industry surpassed the manufacturing sector in share of Gross National Product. It was spending by the White House that tipped the scale.

Speaking of which, it appears that the proposal to tie Medicaid benefits to work requirements is just the beginning. The White House has proposed withholding Social Security and Medicare payments from retirees who don't have jobs. "Us real estate speculators and hedge fund managers and other hard working people are tired of supporting these deadbeats," President Trump tweeted.

Quotes

"What's the big deal about illegal immigrants? You're all illegal immigrants."

                           -- Bobby Whitefeather, Sioux Nation

"Ah, but so are you, my friend."

                           -- Woolly Mammoth

"Ha! You're all interlopers!"

                           -- T. Rex

World News

The 10-square-mile nation of Kafiristan has upset the balance of world power by building a fort made of twigs and empty refrigerator boxes. In response, the U.S. Congress quickly approved another $100 trillion in military spending to counter this threat. "Future generations of Americans will be glad to pay this debt in exchange for their freedom," Congressman Rex Blohard stated in a press conference.