Noting the investments the city has made in seismic resiliency in sewer and water systems, the Tourism Advisory Board is planning a marketing campaign to encourage visits to LO. They have two choices for a new slogan: "Visit Lake Oswego: You're Less Likely to Die Here" or "Visit Lake Oswego: We Have Functioning Plumbing!"
Along the same lines, the Lake Oswego School District is proposing a fifty billion dollar bond measure that will, among other things, harden fifteen schools to withstand the impact of a 6-mile diameter meteor. Critics have noted that it's been 65 million years since this kind of meteor has hit the earth. Proponents reply, "Yes! We're overdue!"A local group of magicians and wizards is creating a Climate Action Plan. As a result of this plan, it will be sunny every day, it will only rain at night, and it will only snow on legal holidays in December and January. For their next trick, they will create jobs.
LOPD has created a new Organized Crime unit. Bosses of the two largest syndicates, CenturyCast and Comlink, have so far evaded arrest.
Ask A Cop
Question: When I drive within the speed limit, I hit these speed bumps. My coffee spills and my shotgun flies off the rack of my pickup. How come I'm being punished for driving under the speed limit?
Answer: Neighborhoods pressure the city into putting those in because they don't want anyone to drive on the streets. They want kids to be able to play out there without worrying about traffic. So the best thing is to lay on your horn as you approach each speed bump. Use the same pattern as the trains: two longs, a short, and a long. This should clear the people out of the street.Trump-Free National News & Opinion
Nothing to report.
Well, except this: Big Pharma has entered into an agreement with all the major TV networks. During the 5-7pm time slot, drug ads will be interrupted for no more than five minutes total for local and national news. And to keep viewers in the proper frame of mind, four of these five minutes must be devoted to news about crime and disease.
World News
The Defense Department has identified the latest threat to our security: a pygmy tribe deep in the hills of Borneo. Intelligence analysts are concerned they may be developing a taste for coffee. In response, 400,000 military "advisers" and twenty Navy ships have been dispatched to assist the Indonesian government in dealing with this scourge. Political pundits anticipate swift Congressional action approving a $600 trillion increase in the defense budget. On a more positive note, the wholesale prices of both Cheese Doodles and big screen TVs are remaining flat.
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